Rebuilding Love
by Trinity Kouya Hime-sama
Summary: In the aftermath of the battle with Aizen, Yumichika is forced to deal with consequences of Ikkaku finding out his zanpakuto's true abilities and how that knowledge will change their relationship. Ikkaku/Yumichika
1. Prologue

This story takes place after episode 219, so ignore anything that happened in the anime or manga after that point.

...

The battle with Aizen was over, and soul society had won the war. All but Yumichika, who had lost everything. For he had lost Ikkaku, not his life, but his trust and his love.

Yumi had always firmly believed that he would rather die than let Ikkaku see his zanpakuto's true form, but he'd never thought about what he would do if it was Ikkaku who could die. He'd never really considered what lengths he would go to if Ikkaku were in danger of dying, if the one he loved, if Ikkaku would die. The idea always seemed preposterous, Ikkaku was too strong. The only ones stronger were captain Zaraki and Ichigo, and Ikkaku wouldn't be in danger from them. As such it had never crossed his mind that Ikkaku could lose a fight, it would be like him loosing a beauty contest, totally impossible.

And yet the impossible happened. Ikkaku lost. Yumi still couldn't say for sure what had happened, since he had been fighting an arrancar of his own. He had only realized what was going on after Ikkaku had fallen; when he saw his bloody body fall to the ground and not get up again. Everything just went dark before Yumi's eyes, he couldn't see anything but Ikkaku laying there, he didn't even remember how he got over to him, later others told him that he'd fought off Kira and wounded him when he tried to stop him. But all he could remember was dying to get to Ikkaku to see if he was alive, and then suddenly he was there, cradling Ikkaku's bleeding body in his arms. He almost started sobbing when he realized that he had a heartbeat, although a faint one. But crying hysterically is just so unbeautiful, so he couldn't do that. But seeing him there, something inside Yumi just broke, his control, restrain, everything was gone. Before he'd even had time to think, his zanpakuto was out and he was calling its true name, and he had drained the arrancar that had hurt Ikkaku of all his reiatsu.

The consequences of this never even crossed his mind. But as the arrancar disappeared in front of his eyes, he froze, realizing what he had just done. He felt afraid to turn around, but Yumi reassured himself that Ikkaku was unconscious, so he could come up with a plausible story to tell him later. In true Yumi fashion, only the opinion and existence of Ikkaku mattered, he didn't think about what he would have to tell all the captions who also had been watching this scene. Yumi turned around, realizing he needed to get Ikkaku medical attention immediately. And upon turning his eyes instantly met Ikkaku's, and he felt as if the ground had dropped out from under him. The look of shock, horror and betrayal in Ikkaku's eyes, eyes which were rapidly showing disgust and rage, literally left him speechless. Yumi opened his mouth, and then closed it, several times. Searching for the words, but finding none. The silence grew as Ikkaku slowly lifted himself off the ground, blood from his wound dripping down his body. Yumi made a move as though to help him, but was immediately stopped by Ikkaku's cold glare and even colder words.

"Don't! Don't even come near me, I can't even look at you!" He snarled before turning and slowly limping off.

For a long time Yumi stood there, his only movement the slight shaking of his shoulders and the tears running slowly down his cheeks.


	2. Chapter 1

Captain Zaraki gave Yumichika an annoyed look, wishing the pretty-boy would get to his point. After coming in and dramatically announcing his need to speak with his caption, Yumi had then gone on to nervously chatter on about trivial crap for nearly twenty minutes. Zaraki's very limited patience was already long gone.

Now captain Zaraki was far from stupid, he might be more brawn than brain, but he still noticed everything around him. Or at least he noticed it once Yachiru chirped about it in his ear. So it hadn't escaped his notice, the rising tension between his third and fifth seats, since Ikkaku's release from under the forth divisions care. It had struck him as odd when his third seat had come to him suddenly and asked for a single room. He was always very glad not to know or be involved in the personal affairs of his subordinates, so he had always made a point to not think about why his two best officers had shared a room, with a single bed, ever since coming here. Still it didn't bode well, that suddenly changing. And now here Yumichika was gabbing on at him, so it would seem he wouldn't be allowed to ignore this issue any longer.

"Ken-chan, I think feather head is sad about his pretty viney zanpakuto" Yachiru chirped, her head suddenly appearing over Zaraki's shoulder. Yumichika's eyes widened in horror.

Ah, the kido zanpakuto. He'd heard rumors about that one too, from Yachiru as well as various other underlings. He had been hoping it wouldn't be an issue he'd have to get involved with, but judging by the pale horrified look on his fifth seats face, he was going to have to.

"What division am I being reassigned to?" Yumichika suddenly blurted out, rousing Zaraki from his inner musing.

"Say what?" Zaraki asked baffled.

"You're going to kick me out, aren't you? Of the eleventh division, for having a kido zanpakuto."

A light suddenly went on in Zaraki's head, as he understood the situation. Now the fifths seats rambling and nerves made a bit more sense, but it did leave him in an awkward position.

"You're leaving feather head?" Yachiru asked innocently, " You don't want to stay with me and Ken-chan?"

"Its not about what I want" Yumichika replied sadly.

"Well I don't recall ever saying that the members of the eleventh division couldn't have a kido zanpakuto" Zaraki said dismissively, deciding a course of action.

Yumichika's eyes widened, "But everyone knows, that you think it's dishonorable and weak to have a kido zanpakuto."

An annoyed look crossed Zaraki's face and he snapped, "When it comes down to it I don't really give a damn, you're strong. Damn strong, or I'd never have let you get to 5th seat. I have never seen you use kido myself, so clearly you don't use this kido form of your zanpakuto very much, which mean you must be really damn strong to always fight with only half your power. So you can just keep doing that and stay that same as you have and keep not using it. Or use it if you want, I don't care. You've already proved you're strong, so it's not important. I don't have time to find a new 5th seat." And with that he rose and quickly exited the room. If it were anyone else you might say they were running away from an awkward situation, but not captain Zaraki, no he was just exiting quickly.

"Aw, Ken-chan is so shy, he doesn't want you to leave" Yachiru commented cheerfully before following after Zaraki.

Yumichika stood silently in shock for a long time after they left. 'I never really though about the possibility of staying in he 11th' Yumi thought to himself. 'I always just assumed that I would have to leave. In some ways, well in most ways, it would have been easier. To not have to see Ikkaku's face ever day, or endure further taunting and mockery from his uncouth squad members. They heckled him enough about his grooming habits, with the added ammunition of his kido zanpakuto he could already imagine the mocking that was to come. So although he hadn't liked the idea of being kicked out, he'd liked the idea of leaving. And now he wasn't. Well, he could still leave, he supposed, but it would have to be of his own accord, and Yumi wasn't really comfortable with the idea of running away. But that left him only with the option of facing it all. And despite knowing how unbeautiful it was to cry, Yumi couldn't keep the crystalline drops from rolling down his cheeks.

Actually contrary to Yumi's opinion he really did look tragically beautiful at that moment. Standing in silence, tears rolling down his pale cheeks, the shadows of the empty room falling over him like a cloak. But no one saw, no one would ever see. Yumi had promised himself long ago that no one would ever see him cry. It was a recently altered promise; the original promise was the Ikkaku was the only one who would ever see his tears. But now Ikkaku was the last person he'd let see this, the one person Yumi would rather die than let see him cry.


	3. Chapter 2

Every day, as he entered the set of rooms that he had once shared with Ikkaku, a little more of Yumi's heart broke. The room screamed of emptiness and void. It was like a physical presence, one that threatened to overwhelm Yumi the more time he spent there.

The room looked so bare and empty. Contrary to what everyone assumed, he wasn't solely responsible for decorating their place. Well, most of it was him. But the lack of Ikkaku's touches in the room now was a constant reminder to him, that Ikkaku wasn't just away on a mission, that he was really gone. Ikkaku hadn't really taken that much from the rooms, just a few of the weapons that had graced the wall, and some toiletries from the bathroom. He's also taken some articles of clothes from their closet. The empty space in closet felt like it represented so much, to Yumi, a clear show that something was gone, missing, something that should be, no needed to be, there. Yumi knew he had more than enough clothes to fill the space, it used to be an ongoing battle between them, about how Yumi's clothes took up most of the space, and Ikkaku used to complain that he didn't have any room. But now Yumi didn't want to spread out his clothes into that space. That space belonged to Ikkaku, was meant for him. And if he filled it, it felt like he was accepting that Ikkaku wasn't coming back.

He always hesitated at the door to their place, not wanting to go in and face the emptiness. He would come up with a thousand things to go and do, to put off coming home. But upon finally reaching the door, and having no more excuses, each day he had to force himself to open that door.

Today he hesitated longer than usual, feeling particularly fragile. Yumi even contemplated asking to stay with someone else for the night, but he didn't want to answer all the questions. Besides he had never been very close to anyone other than Ikkaku here. He had always thought of others as intruders into their life and their time together, so he'd avoided making connections to others. Something which was coming back to haunt him now.

Yumi knew he couldn't put it off any longer, people walking by were starting to give him strange looks. With a sigh, he closed his eyes and opened the door, taking the first step in, preparing his heart for the stabbing pain he knew came each day. As he opened his eyes to greet the emptiness, he froze. The sight of Ikkaku standing there, in their home, filling his eyes.


	4. Chapter 3

Ikkaku was reeling; his mind hadn't stopped twisting and turning in days, ever since Yumichika's betrayal. He still couldn't believe that the person who had been with him all this time, who had always stood at his side and watched his back, would end up stabbing him in said back. Had been lying to him, the whole time they were together. Ikkaku knew he wasn't really a thinker, that he was more the muscle in their relationship, but he still couldn't believe that he hadn't known, he hadn't suspected anything or seen any signs.

He felt dead inside. Even fighting couldn't make his heart feel alive anymore. Having Yumi there as a silent comforting presence behind him was something he had always taken for granted. He had always been there, and Ikkaku had assumed he always would be. He had believe, or rather assumed, that their partnership was perfect. He wasn't really a romantic, so he had never said these things out loud to Yumi, but he had always thought that Yumi felt that same.

Ikkaku also felt strangely disturbed by this new information. He was rather used to the idea of Yumi not being as much of a fighter, of him being weaker, and needing him. It hadn't exactly been a conscious thought, but still he had always felt that.

When he first found out about Yumi's zanpakuto his first thought hadn't been about that, rather it had just been shock and a deep feeling of betrayal. Not once, in all their time together had he considered the possibility of Yumi lying to him and hiding things from him. Yumichika was the one person he trusted completely, who he had always told everything to, kept nothing from. And realizing that it had all been a lie, that Yumi had been hiding his true power all along, made his chest hurt. He left it at that, sappy thoughts about broken hearts were for the weak, not something that happened to him, no he just experienced nearly unbearable chest pain.

After leaving the home he had shared with Yumi, which had been his first action after getting out from under Unohana's care. He had requested his own room, and removed some stuff from the small set of rooms that he had shared with Yumi ever since coming here. Picking through their belonging was a bit too much for him, even seeing their bedroom and bed was too much, so he just took the first things to come to hand, just some random clothes and his weapons.

But being on his own left too much time to think, something he wasn't really comfortable or good at doing. Since he was also under orders from Captain Unohana not to train, he had far too much time. He was temped to train anyway, just to stop thinking, but a deep set fear, um respect, of that woman held him back.

But thinking about Yumi was hard. And realizing the possibility that Yumi might be stronger than him, if he didn't hold back, was an uncomfortable and upsetting thought. Some part of him was impressed, to think that Yumi had come to be 5th seat in the strongest squad. Even while holding back and not using his full power. But a much larger part of him was furious that he hadn't told him. Sure, he disapproved of kido zanpakuto's, but Yumi was different. Honestly, once or twice when he gave thought to Yumi's powers and zanpakuto, he had been a little surprised that it wasn't some beautiful flashy kido zanpakuto, which would fit his personality better. Yumi was always so beautiful, and that his zanpakuto was so plain had always surprised him. So seeing Yumi's kido zanpakuto, all beautiful and sparkling, hadn't really surprised him on some level, he had just thought 'See, beautiful just like Yumi, how fitting.'

But how could Yumi not tell him? After all they had been through, after all this time together. How could he not trust him enough to tell him the truth? At the end of the day, that was what hurt, what kept him up at night, and kept circling around in his mind. That was where all the pain and anger originated. Not from Yumi having a kido zanpakuto, but that the one person he had trusted most hadn't trusted him. And he didn't know if he could ever forgive that.

Ikkaku knew he needed time to sort things out. He couldn't even look at Yumichika right now. For now, and maybe even forever, it was better he was not near Yumi. With this thought in mind Ikkaku decided that he should probably make arrangements for his current living situation to be more permanent. Which meant he had to go back home, to where he and Yumi had lived, to get the rest of his things. He knew that there was no getting around that, but also felt it would be best to time things so that there was no chance of running into Yumi. Facing the place they lived together was hard enough, he couldn't bear to face it with Yumi in it, he didn't know what he would end up doing.


	5. Chapter 4

When Yumi opened the door and saw Ikkaku there, for a moment his heart leapt. The desperate hope that maybe he was there to talk, perhaps to work things out, glimmered in his heart and mind. But when he saw the half full box at Ikkaku's feet, what was left of his heart shattered to pieces. He dug his nails into his palms, to prevent his tears from falling, from betraying his breaking heart.

Yumi couldn't for the life of him, think of a single word to say. 'Sorry' just seemed empty and pointless, 'forgive me' felt impossible. And the words 'I love you' threatened to break him if they left his lips. So he just stood there silently in the doorway, shaking slightly, eyes wet and frozen on Ikkaku, pain and misery radiating from him.

Ikkaku looked equally startled. Clearly he hadn't expected to see Yumi here. Somewhere in the back of his mind Yumi realized and understood, that this was not a time when he usually was at home. Ikkaku had planned this, in order to not see him.

Ikkaku stared back at Yumi, equally silent. Pain, confusion, betrayal and anger shined in his eyes. But he didn't say a word. Neither of them wanted to break the silence. Finally after what seemed like an eternity Ikkaku spoke.

"I didn't expect you to be home now."

A slightly bitter painful smile flashed across Yumi's face before fading away. "So I gathered. So you just planned to sneak in again, take the rest of your stuff, and sneak away. And to never speak to me again?"

"What am I supposed to say?" Ikkaku asked quietly.

"You could ask me why! You could demand an explanation, or at least allow me to explain and defend myself. I can't believe that after all this time you just want to end things, without a word!" Yumi spat out, his voice raising.

Surprisingly Ikkaku didn't rise to the bait and yell back. Instead he replied quietly "would what you say change anything?"

"You can't know that, that it wouldn't change things. Isn't it worth at least trying? Are you really so eager to throw away what we have? To throw me aside? Do I really mean so very little to you? Just because I have a kido zanpakuto? You don't love me anymore just because or that?"

With surprising calmness Ikkaku replied "its not that you have a kido zanpakuto. On some level that doesn't even surprise me. What matters is that you lied to me." Ikkaku's voice finally started to rise as he continued, "how long have you been lying to me? Ever since we met? Since we got together? Since we came here? Maybe you've been lying to me the whole time, right from the start. Yet you claim to love me? I can't trust you, so why should I believe that you love me?"

Yumi looked shocked. His mouth moved as if to speak, but no words came out. Finally, his voice breaking slightly as he spoke, he whispered, "you doubt that I love you?"

Ikkaku didn't reply, and looked away from Yumi, refusing to meet his eyes.

With this Yumi's control finally snapped, tears streamed down his face as he screamed out, "how can you think that? Why the hell do you think I kept my zanpakuto a secret so damn long! The only reason I fucking bothered was because I knew you hated kido zanpakuto and I didn't want you to hate me! If I didn't love you I would never have needed to lie to you! You think I enjoyed it? That I liked lying, having to hide this from you? It killed me, almost literally at times. But I promised myself that I wouldn't let you know, that I wouldn't use it, because then I'd lose you, and I'd rather die than loose you!"

Ikkaku looked shocked at Yumi's outburst, and unconsciously took a step towards Yumi, as he fell to his knees sobbing. A confused and helpless expression filled Ikkaku's face, as he tried to decide what to do or say. He now had answers. Now he knew why, and on some level he understood and saw that part of the blame for this all fell on him. He was shocked to see all this inner pain and turmoil that he had never known or ever suspected that Yumi had suffered from. And he felt warm inside, to know that Yumi would rather die than lose him. But it still didn't fix everything. He loved Yumi, and he knew that. And despite what he had said, he hadn't really doubted that Yumi loved him. The very idea of Yumi dying or living without Yumi in his life was unbearable. But right now he also just didn't know how he could live with him.

"Yumi, I'm sorry. I suppose that part of this is my fault, for making you believe that I might leave you if you had a kido zanpakuto. I hadn't realized that I had given you that impression. But I love you Yumi, I wouldn't have ever left you because of that. I think I always somewhat thought you might end up having one, and I was surprised when you didn't. Yumi, I admit I am not really one for thinking a lot or worrying about feelings. So I never really gave any thought to the possibility that I might have been hurting you without knowing it. I had no idea I was causing you so much pain."

Yumichika gave Ikkaku a strangely confused look, surprised at these words, which seemed impossible to be coming from Ikkaku. But a flicker of hope reignited in his eyes and in his heart. Ikkaku winced at seeing that, wishing he didn't have to put it out again.

"Yumi, I really wish that I could just kiss you and put this all behind us. It would be easier, and far more typical of me. But I just can't. I am sorry, and I realize that part of this is my fault. I do love you, and I believe that in the end we will be together. But I just can't do it right now. Right now I just am still so upset about you lying, even understanding the reasons doesn't make it all better. I just can't trust you, not the way I could. I always so blindly trusted you, I never even thought about the possibility of you lying to me. This has been really a huge blow for me, I don't' even begin to know how to deal with it. I need time Yumi, to work things out. We can't just keep going like nothing has happened or changed. Everything has changed, we have changed. I know I have, and I can't just change back. I, no we, need time. Apart, to rebuild things. I want for us to be together again, but I think we need to start over. Right now I just don't know what was the truth and what was a lie. I need time to trust you again, before I can even think about us being together again."

"How can we rebuild things if we are apart? Stay here, we can work on things here, we can start over here. There is no reason for you to leave. If you do, we won't ever rebuild things, how can we if we are not together! I love you, please stay. I know we can put the pieces back together somehow," Yumi pleaded, hating how pathetic he sounded.

"Its not like we won't see each other, we are in the same squad, we will see each other every day," Ikkaku reassured him.

"But its not the same! When have we ever really talked there? How on earth can you imagine us trying to build trust there! I don't even understand you right now, the things you are saying don't make sense, and they don't sound like you. I've never know you to act like this!"

"I know, I've been acting out of character for days now. That's once of the reasons I think this change might be good. I'm not sure I've ever spent this much time just thinking about one thing so much, in my whole life. I need to get myself in order before I begin to think about getting us in order. This all has been really hard on both of us, it may take time to heal. There is just no way of not having things change between us, of having us not change. But I do believe even with these changes, that in the end we will be together. But it is going to take some time. I need this time Yumichika, I'm sorry, but I do." Ikkaku told him, sounding more serious than Yumi had heard in a very long time.

"If that's what you want and believe, then I really don't have any choice but to go along with it," Yumi replied sadly.

"Thank you" Ikkaku told him sincerely.

Yumi just looked away, unhappiness radiating from him. "if you are going to leave, could you just go already," he finally said in a hollow voice, like he was desperately trying to hold himself together.

Ikkaku winced and nodded, picking up his box of things. As he exited the room he met Yumi's eyes one last time and quietly whispered "I do love you, just give me a little space. Things will turn out alright in the end." With that he quietly closed the door behind him and rushed off, eager to escape the awkward situation.

As such he didn't hear Yumi collapse to the floor, or the heartbreaking sobs that could be heard from behind it.


End file.
